God has gotten to my heart. When I was young I had unfettered love and adoration for His presence. Without a jaded spot, I was innocent in my love for Him. There was a moment in time when I felt I couldn't come to God. I knew I had taken my own steps into my own direction. Placed my emotions in front of His guiding. Spending time in His presence felt harsh and shameful. I couldn't get to Him, though I logically knew He wanted me. I felt tainted and dishonest toward Him. I couldn't bare to see the pain in His eyes. Little did I know that I had no idea what He could do with the shame. All that time that I did not talk with Him, He never ended loving me. He never gave up and moved on.
I can say this now, but at one time I thought this was impossible to actually FEEL. I would never tell someone that God puts pain and loss in our lives to bring us closer to Him. He DOES NOT wish pain and sorrow on His children. His destination for us is in a place where we will have rulership over the beast of the field and the bird of the air (Hebrews 2). What I can say is that God uses the predicaments that we have gotten ourselves into, to open our eyes to what He has in store. I use this last statement loosely in the fact that sin is sin. Whether we directly committed it or someone long ago changed history, it is all sin and we are in it. Sin causes sickness, wickedness, destruction, and ultimately death. I don't want to spend time here saying who's fault it all is. All have fallen short of the Glory of God.
It is strange how God got to me. He took advantage of the loss I felt in my life to show me that He was all I needed. At the bottom of my heart bucket, I had no one to turn to. He was my only reason to live. Gently He spoke to my soul and told me that though I am not the same girl that I once was, I am His. He has told me that what I have now no one can take from me. He has convinced me that this time I am stronger in His name, confident in His deeds, a fighter for His kingdom. I understand what sin has done, I know what God can do, and He has told me that I can take the armor and wear it in battle. Despite my past chaos. What He has also shown me is that I am no better than the next girl. He reminds me that what I have experienced will allow me to have understanding for another heart that might be struggling, floundering, lacking ambition. He has given me the ability for compassion and empathy.
My personality lends itself to internalizing and forgetting the other hearts out there that I could touch. I often jump to conclusions and assume about others. Sometimes I don't even see it all. Kinda like I have my heart in the grey clouds of self. This I have struggled with and probably it is the one thing that will keep my humble. I have to ask God to help me. I want to reach another soul. I want to touch another heart. I want those hearts to see His goodness. I want them to feel the clarity and direction. He is the Light of the world.
These past few months I have been trying to discover what my gifts are, given by the Holy Spirit. God has placed it within me, that there is an urgency and that my life cannot go on wasted. He has asked me to make a difference, to be the difference in others' lives. It has been a week since He has called me out on this. What I am discovering is not necessarily that He wants me to use my photography skills or my ability to sing. I often wondered why He never convinced me on photography or gave me a strong impression that singing was it. Someday it all may change, but for now I feel He is calling me to... write. I have felt it a long time, but not till now do I really understand that I cannot waste a moment or a day.
Reaching the heart. I have yet to comprehend the mechanics and logic behind this action. What I do have is that I am a human, with a mind. A heart. That I understand. Let the Holy Spirit lead.