In the last few weeks, God has been taking me on a journey. Actually I should say that in the past few weeks I have finally realized that He has been taking me on that journey. Even in moments of failure and darkness, He is preparing me for another step, another challenge. No, He doesn't cause me to fail. Hardly possible. God is using what He has to work with to cultivate His ultimate purpose and I am very much involved.
I had this idea come up into my imagination, that's soul purpose was to glorify God and bring others to the Light I am passionate about. While on this trek to bring it into a reality I have come across several simple challenges that have brought me into a deeper understanding of who God is and what He wants from me. Might I add that God is so tender with my short comings. He knows that I crumble when I find out that I failed. He knows that it becomes a great monster in my closet that I cannot seem to shake. So He works like the master orchestrator that He is. Let me explain.
I was feeling inept to the task at hand. There was an understanding I had that made me realize the enormity of responsibility resting on my shoulders. If I wanted to take on this new venture, I was going to have to really weigh into God's truth and invite the Holy Spirit into my life like I never did before. This realization made me petrified. What am I doing? I am NOT qualified! I am no scholar in religion. Only took 4 religion courses in college because it was part of the requirements. I studied Anatomy, Chemistry, Cognitive Psychology, Neurobiology, and all those other generals. What right did I have to take on something for God that meant I had to share His Light?
While trying to grasp this, I could do nothing else but spend time claiming His promises. I started adding sitting on a park bench to my routine, during my walks/runs. I would sit there and just wait for 10 minutes. I know it is not long, but it was a start. I waited, wondered, and felt slightly confused as to why God was not saying much. I was sitting there waiting for Him to speak wasn't I?
Then I started to get bombarded. It was like a magnifying glass on all the little itty bitty sins that I had been carrying around. I found pride. Ya, I started to wonder if this whole project was for my own gain. I also felt jealousy. My husband, Chris, started His own project and was able to get it running rather quickly. He was stealing my thunder! My emotions became quite intense and I could not seem to figure out why I was so insane. Why in the world did I feel so mad and crazed when I had this project to attend to?
Then it hit me. After I confirmed that I really needed to bring it all to God, I felt this desperation to make sure that this whole project was not under my own terms. While I was asking God to take away the pride and jealousy and also reading a book called "Daring to Ask for More" I discovered that God was answering my prayers.
He was not trying to convey that I had it all together and could now take on this project. He was not saying that I had all the knowledge in the world to spread His Light. He was simply showing me my real place. My real condition. In so doing, He was being glorified. By asking Him for help in my condition, His purpose was able to come through and make a difference in my life. I was able to see His goodness, direction, and power. It made me realize that the whole point of sharing the good news is to let others know that despite our faults, God can make a difference.
God does not call the angels in His court to come down and tell the world how amazing and compassionate He is. It would not be very convincing. They have no idea what it feels like to sin. But we do. We know our condition. We know our need. The more that I am in His presence, the more I realize there is a hope for my situation. Through Him I can do a lot.
And to think that He called me to take on a new project. It was not merely to stay busy or show Him off. He found a way to get me closer to Him. He found a way for me to discover my sin, confess, and move on in His Light in a very constructive and growing way. He does not point out sin just to call you a fool and a failure. He says "Come I have a solution. Be My disciple and call all men to Myself."
So here I am working on my project and hoping that what He has in mind for it, is grander than what I could ever imagine. Stay tuned my friends. :)