I do not know whether it was pride or stubborness that kept me distant for so long. Thinking about speaking to God in such an intimate way curdled my blood inside. It hurt to breathe thinking of the possiblities. Maybe it was the devil playing tug of war. My mind was clouded, fatigued and forgetful. I knew that I needed to open that gate in order to gain freedom from my darkness. I was not myself. I did not want to live anymore.
So this is the part where you would think that I decided to unlock the dreams and walk through the gate of God. No, I made an even smaller step. I did what I knew I could not do on my own. I asked that God would come to the gate, open it, and walk through. I asked that God would come to me and help me get up, go through the gate, and spend time with Him. I could not get up. I was unable to unleash my soul. Looking back I know that that is all it took. It was actually the biggest little step toward communing with God. Even if it meant Him coming to me.
He came to me in simple ways. He showed me trust in the faith of fellow believing women, laid in deep the determination to break old habits in the words of my husband, and guided me through trials that used to overtake me. He slowly gained my trust. It is sad really, that I needed to gain His trust. He is the last one to break a promise. But He did what it took to gain just a simple moment with me. He showed me beauty again, that blessings abounded the whole while I was in gloom.
The more my heart lined up with His will for my life, the more I felt solid. The motivation started to melt into my veins and quench the thirst of my soul. I was beginning to understand the covenant He was making with me. He was promising that with Him, I can go far. He also promised me that I would not have to face life alone. I had a belonging. I am now inside the gate. Honestly, my mind still has new concepts that it cannot wrap itself around. The moment I gained freedom, was the moment that I would spend eternity trying to understand the mind of God.
Logic says that I do not deserve this, that I needed to make more of an effort to gain His approval into His gate. I still find myself wanting to feel the familiarity of the gloom, but know that the laziness it possesses will take me down. Despite what logic says, He has written upon my heart redemption. Even though the devil tries to pound into my mind that I will never be enough, he still cannot deny that it is wrapped in the glory of God. My soul desires selfish ambition, yet God holds it back and tells me to try again. Try again and see what your life can do in My will.
It is all simple really. Belonging to God is more than functions and ceremonies. Letting Him move you, mold you, and letling His spirit flood your veins is what makes your a part of His kingdom. Your efforts are minimal in comparison to what He has planned for your life. What He has done for me, despite myself, has made me acceptional in His eyes.
Blessed is the man (woman) who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, or stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful; but his (her) DELIGHT is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he (she) MEDITATES day and night, he (she) shall be like a tree PLANTED by rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall PROSPER. - Psalms 1:1-3