Simplicity in Suburbia

I am in expectancy. Not because of a child but of the awaited time to be reunited again with my husband. A whole week of just being in a simple routine with him again. Even if it means not seeing him for 12 hours that day, I will take those small moments at the end of the day for random discussion or just being near by. 

This weekend I took the time to just hear him in the house. Kinda weird to some maybe but I liked hearing his foot steps or just how he would strum the guitar on the couch. Waking in the morning and hearing his alarm go off, holding  my hand for just a moment in the middle of the night, and watching him wrestle the cat. These are the times that I should think of often and really appreciate when we have had too much routine and become complacent. Mostly complacent in daily routine and normalcy. 

Some say living rugged and in the woods is a good way to appreciate the simplicity in life. This is most likely true, but I think it takes real character building to be stuck in the midst of suburban life and the hustle to train the mind. To think simply and be humbled by just the beating of our hearts. Honestly, if it wasn't for finally getting into positive thinking I would still be unsettled and negative. Ya, I still feel anxious for our reunion, but God only reminds me that this is a time to cultivate and renew. It is a time to discipline my mind and settle the reins. Take in my wild passionate crazy emotions and, breathe. 

What are the little things that make your heart sing? What really makes living feel alive for you? What place is your sanctuary in the midst of the bustle?

Like the Wind

What I have found is that Love is separate from myself. I don't have to find it or understand the logistics. I really have nothing to do with Love. I don't have to stir it up and make a recipe. Science cannot make a formula and hash it into a million perspectives. Far beyond our minds it exists and breathes without our help. It does not need me. It does not need you.

All that Love does it bind, cultivate, open, and revitalize the energy inside of you and me. There is no need to ask for what it can do, it comes. Does not ask for anything in return, remember it doesn't need you. Love just warms a cold room and breaks the fences of fear. The strength it possesses, undoes me.  Can it undo you? You can't really love, Love. It just makes you hold on for dear life. No one sees Love, for it is like the wind.

Working tirelessly without you even knowing, it strengthens your bonds. Letting it work alone is key. It does not need your advice. Nor will it be efficient if your heart has its own ideas. My mind looks back and has seen how I have changed. I am slower to speak. There is more of a sparkle in my eye and the little things make me happy. Thankfulness explodes from my insides. I cannot contain what it has done. Opening my eyes, changing my heart, unfolding the kindness. What Love has done is make me reflect its power.

Continuously working, constantly changing, forever by my side. This is Love.

Change, The Furry Monster

Change is inevitable. When I was a kid I HATED change. I loved wearing the same old shoes for years and was quite happy staying the age I was previously, during each of my birthdays. It was kind of annoying really and it made it difficult for me to grow up. I am kind of embarrassed by these facts. People who embrace change are hardcore and resilient. They possess the ability to lead and make changes for the best. They are respected and admired. I have to consider this position though. Why is it that we admire people who embrace change? It's most likely because no one wants to be the one to do it. No one deep down likes change.

When I got older I realized I had to deal with it. I had to accept the function of change and expect that if I was going to be happy I had to look for the good reasons why change had to happen. The more drastic the changes that occured the more I started to almost like it and crave it. For all the wrong reasons I saw how change could get me away from issues. That "greener on the other side of the fence" concept started to really latch onto me. I became unsatisfied when things weren't changing enough. Overall, you can tell that I pretty much was never satisfied from the beginning!

Why am I being so critical with myself here? Well, I am going through another drastic change. After having convinced myself that I was going to stay put in Massachusetts, live in the same house for decades, and live with what I had, Chris and I had the opportunity to move to New Jersey. After asking God about His opinion in the matter and getting a "yes you should go" we took it. But before the actual decision was made, I went into concern-mode. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about moving or even staying. 

I asked God to place in my heart the desire to be satisfied no matter the outcome. I wanted Him to give me the ability to be content no matter where my home was. I needed Him to give me the feeling in my heart that no matter where I am, I am home. He showed me how much I had been blessed by the home I was given. He provided me the opportunity to give closure to any issues that I might have had while living in Massachusetts. He expressed to me the fact that I was a conqueror and could move on, not because of avoidance or because of the greenness that could be expected. He gave me the ability to be satisfied. 

So with that being said, I will miss my little home. I will miss my family and new family. For the past 3 months I have been embracing each moment and utilizing my time to just be. I used to hurry through life, CONSTANTLY cleaning. Just looking busy. Right now, I am nostalgic. That is all. I am excited for the new opportunties. I am excited to meet new people, though it will shake my skins. Honestly, I cannot wait to organize and clean out stuff for packing. Why this gives me a thrill I don't know. 

Oh, and I am really looking forward to starting a new hobby when we move. Plants. I really really want to have plants in our home. They create cleaner air, make the home look cozy, and everything looks fresh. I will be starting out with succulents of course. My green thumb is only a wannabe. So, with all of this being said, change really is a good thing. It cultivates you, chisels out the bad habits, keeps you on your toes. I am blessed to have found that peace with change. Being mindful of the two ways to divert, when experiencing change, is also key.

Change anything, even if it's small, it means you get to grow. Like pruning bushes, you will become full and lush. Maybe bud a few flowers. Haha.

My Heart. Your Heart.

Reaching the heart. I have only a small understanding of this concept. God in His overflowing love, cannot contain His joy when a heart starts to beat to the rhythm of His pulse. When that small heart has finally come home He makes room, sets up shop, and gets to cultivating its potential. As He chisels away at the darkness, pain, and selfish ambition, He fills it with a peace that no one understands. Once this stillness flows along, He sparks the ambition and punches the drive to fulfill. The eyes begin to sing even when the smile is small and each step becomes much lighter. For His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

God has gotten to my heart. When I was young I had unfettered love and adoration for His presence. Without a jaded spot, I was innocent in my love for Him. There was a moment in time when I felt I couldn't come to God. I knew I had taken my own steps into my own direction. Placed my emotions in front of His guiding. Spending time in His presence felt harsh and shameful. I couldn't get to Him, though I logically knew He wanted me. I felt tainted and dishonest toward Him. I couldn't bare to see the pain in His eyes. Little did I know that I had no idea what He could do with the shame. All that time that I did not talk with Him, He never ended loving me. He never gave up and moved on. 

I can say this now, but at one time I thought this was impossible to actually FEEL. I would never tell someone that God puts pain and loss in our lives to bring us closer to Him. He DOES NOT wish pain and sorrow on His children. His destination for us is in a place where we will have rulership over the beast of the field and the bird of the air (Hebrews 2). What I can say is that God uses the predicaments that we have gotten ourselves into, to open our eyes to what He has in store. I use this last statement loosely in the fact that sin is sin. Whether we directly committed it or someone long ago changed history, it is all sin and we are in it. Sin causes sickness, wickedness, destruction, and ultimately death. I don't want to spend time here saying who's fault it all is. All have fallen short of the Glory of God.

It is strange how God got to me. He took advantage of the loss I felt in my life to show me that He was all I needed. At the bottom of my heart bucket, I had no one to turn to. He was my only reason to live.  Gently He spoke to my soul and told me that though I am not the same girl that I once was, I am His. He has told me that what I have now no one can take from me. He has convinced me that this time I am stronger in His name, confident in His deeds, a fighter for His kingdom. I understand what sin has done, I know what God can do, and He has told me that I can take the armor and wear it in battle. Despite my past chaos. What He has also shown me is that I am no better than the next girl. He reminds me that what I have experienced will allow me to have understanding for another heart that might be struggling, floundering, lacking ambition. He has given me the ability for compassion and empathy. 

My personality lends itself to internalizing and forgetting the other hearts out there that I could touch. I often jump to conclusions and assume about others. Sometimes I don't even see it all. Kinda like I have my heart in the grey clouds of self. This I have struggled with and probably it is the one thing that will keep my humble. I have to ask God to help me. I want to reach another soul. I want to touch another heart. I want those hearts to see His goodness. I want them to feel the clarity and direction. He is the Light of the world. 

These past few months I have been trying to discover what my gifts are, given by the Holy Spirit. God has placed it within me, that there is an urgency and that my life cannot go on wasted. He has asked me to make a difference, to be the difference in others' lives. It has been a week since He has called me out on this. What I am discovering is not necessarily that He wants me to use my photography skills or my ability to sing. I often wondered why He never convinced me on photography or gave me a strong impression that singing was it. Someday it all may change, but for now I feel He is calling me to... write. I have felt it a long time, but not till now do I really understand that I cannot waste a moment or a day. 

Reaching the heart. I have yet to comprehend the mechanics and logic behind this action. What I do have is that I am a human, with a mind. A heart. That I understand. Let the Holy Spirit lead.

Blossoms of Light

I decided I was going to get down to business. Forget that show I was watching and take life by the reins. It disgusted me really. After much time spent unwinding my distracted soul (I have moments frequently) I opened to the book of Hebrews.... 

Like a light in my world, I was fading. Searching for something out there I could touch and breathe, I wanted a passion. They say everyone has a talent, but I wasn't sure how I reslly fit in. I have read the advice given by creatives. That is what they call them now, not artists. I guess it leaves room for open boundaries. They talked about not focusing on other creatives and their abilities. It all said to hone in on your own vision and passions. I still had no idea what this meant for me. 

Have you thought about the symbols used by God? He visually takes you on a journey of discovery throughout the Bible. Whether it is through parables, visions, prophets, or actual structures. His holiness and wisdom far surpasses our ability to understand, so He comes to our level with metaphors and pictures. I find this quite fascinating and sort of like a puzzle.

I wanted to understand the tabernacle in the wilderness scene a little bit more. I thought that if I was going to understand salvation, I was going to have to take this by the ears and dissect carefully. I wanted to know what each piece of furniture meant. I wanted to know what God was saying to me through His visuals. There was the sacrificial altar, the laver, the table of show bread, and altar of inncense. All of them spoke to me about what God is and was doing for me. What got my attention though was the candlesticks. Made completely of pure gold, branches with seven bowls of olive oil to light the room, and almond blossoms.... what? I don't remember any blossoms. Why did no one tell me about these? Molded around the bowls of light were these flowers that I had no idea existed.

Ya, it all sounded extravagant and detailed. I read over and over the description in Exodus trying to understand. My thoughts wondered and I thought, "why did God put almond blossoms on a candle stick?" "of all things in nature this is the one thing that shows up? Besides the lamb and goat of course." I was intrigued. Then I really started spinning my brain, I thought "where else are there almond blossoms in the Bible?" "what can I learn about them?"

I googled almond blossoms and found that in Hebrew it means "to hasten" or "waken". I read on and also found that almond blossoms show up in the dead of winter on bare tree branches. I felt the promise and positivity ringing in my heart. I saw the struggle to survive despite the cold. I could see the color shining in the bleakness of doubt. I understood then that God was talking about a flower that is alive and ready despite the dead life of winter. Wow. But wait there is more.

The candle sticks also have something special about them. Made of one talent of solid pure gold they represent how we each are given an equal portion of time. That time, once given in complete submission to God, must be spent where He desires and for what He is aiming to accomplish. This I found at the back of my study Bible and I wanted to understand where this idea came from. I thought about the fact that almond blossoms also show up in the story of Aaron and how God chose him to be the high priest. The elders of the people and those on their side had just challenged Mose and Aaron's positions. Their jealousy and desire to take on some of the responsibility led to trajedy and they were all swallowed up into the earth. 

At this point God had several men provide their staff and wait for a sign from Him as to who should be the high priest. The next morning Aaron's rod was covered in blossoms and almond nuts. I used to think this was just some supernatural sign, nothing more. But God goes on to tell the people that they need to keep the staff in the Ark of the Covenant as a reminder. They should never forget that only God can designate responsibilities of His importance. Only He can call who he wants. We cannot stand back and wish for someone else's position or talent. We must wait on God for our OWN position and responsibility. We have no idea what is more important than the next.

My mind at this point was going wild. Here were two examples placed on the almond blossom that would help define our responsibilities in this life. It helped me discover my purpose and focus. The world can go on and tell me that, yes, we cannot focus on everyone else and their abilities. But as a Christian I have a second level in this position. Not only should I not desire someone else's ablities, I should only be focusing on what God wants me to do for Him. Not on my own needs and desires. Die to self, Paul calls it. 

In this age of selfish ambitions I cannot stress more about how we should really be looking to God for guidance. I still do not know exactly what God wants me to do to further His kingdom, but He has put a fire in my soul that wants to develop what I individually can offer. I am a vessel, a light in the darkness, a witness and a like a city on a hill. While I have been sitting around wallowing in my own complaints and pains, God has been trying to tell me that I too can be different and draw all men/women to Him. 

Oh, and along with those almond blossoms are the bowls of olive oil. That is a whole other conversation. Let the Holy Spirit lead you.

Creative or Not, Here It is

I know it has been a while here. A lot of things going on that I am waiting to talk about here. For now I just want to talk about other topics. My heart has been really thinking about creativity lately. Today I asked myself what it was that made me think I was creative. I don't scrapbook or paint with little brushes. Sometimes I honestly play things too safe. You should have seen me at Home Depot the other day. I was struggling. Alone. I had a choice to make on wall paint. I would grab a color confidently and then would question and doubt. I felt myself saying it was too gray, too green, too boring, too crazy. I wanted to throw my hands up.

Strangely being married I have had more opportunities for experiencing independence and self preservation than I thought I would. Seriously, choosing wall paint alone is like man vs. wild. It's painful. I really wanted someone to reassure me, that it was right. I didn't want to make a mistake and have to add my gallon to the shelf of oops paint. When I finally just went with my gut and without anyone else's opinions it all worked out. The room is soothing and everyone likes the color choice. 

This got me thinking, don't creatives like the freedom to fly in possibilities? Why am I all caught up in fear, as if I think I have any say in imagination? I mean it isn't like the task I had was novel. What would I do with a blank slate? Would I squeal in delight? I kinda doubt it.

I admire creative people I have found. I like watching them work and it somehow releases my uptight heart. Like it's been given permission to breathe deep and smell the summer afresh. The air of blossoms, bursting. What creatives have to offer is colorful, bright, refreshing, alive, and joyful. At least those are the creatives I enjoy. 

If I could feel comfortable in my own skin maybe I would realize that I, too, am creative. I know what looks pretty but do I think that I am beautiful? It's all a psychological science. This confidence and self esteem deal has got me befuddled. I am literal. How does that make me creative? Why do I want to be creative? What's so wrong with the other way of life? What is that other way? I think that in the end all creatives want to be released from or to something. I ache to be released from my closed minded ness , self pity, fears, and perfectionism. 

Some thrive on mistakes. May I at east come to terms with them. "Perfect love casts out fear". Those are the words I must embrace. God is showing me His creative side so that I in turn have a chance to reveal what he has given me. Taking chances and just going with your gut instincts, even if it happens at Home Depot, is a big deal. 

One more thought. Sometimes we want to be someone else's creative. It is taking me a while to discover that my natural creative mediums have about the same punch in life. It takes a while to realize the grass is just as great on this side.  Go create, love, and most definitely laugh. 

Excluding the Rod in the Name of Love

After discussing being a selfless woman, the question that runs through my mind is "what else is there to discuss?" At the core of our beliefs, as Christians, is a Christ-like focus where we try to wrap our minds around His amazing love. In order to shine His light and show others who He is we try to become more like Him. It is the ultimate witness.

I thought about it for a bit and came to another realization. While God's character is built upon the fundementals of love, He also has another side to His existence. Discipline and rule. Concepts that, as humans, we find complicated to believe along with calling God love. So I am keeping them in separate entities. This other side has been labeled many things and I am almost afraid to even give it a name. Almost is a key word. As someone who favors on the side of intolerance I cannot be afraid to call something by its rightful name.

God, in his very nature, will not exist without a government. After looking at how He organized the children of Israel in the wilderness for 40 years, I cannot help but be amazed at how much order there was. But I don't think I fully understood or appreciated it until the Israelites wanted a king. Once Saul and others lined up for duty, it all kind of went down hill. It appeared like chaos and here is something all women will understand... I saw DRAMA. And God let the Israelites have their way. Instead of letting their actual King rule the nation, they wanted someone they could see and other nations would take notice of. They wanted to be like everyone else. Sound familiar?

Just taking a moment to compare this with our own lives is astounding. I know that when I give myself to God and His form of government my life is a lot less dramatic. With that being said I have to consider God's holiness and power. With Him as my King I want to follow the guidelines that He has given, so that I can have the well developed life that He originally planned for me. I stumble everyday in this area. I worry and try to control situations instead of taking it to Him. I get impatient and angry when things do not go my own way, but I know that God helps me when I ask Him for His help in this area of life. The more that I acknowledge Him and ask for help the more I see Him moving and working. The gratification of seeing Him move, makes me want to keep going to Him.

I have also learned that God will only go so far with letting sin run its course. Consider the flood and how He was ready to destroy the whole earth and just start over. Consider how He dealt with the Israelites when they were blatantly not following His lead. Even when other nations feared their God, they still wanted their own way and had no respect.

I grew up with respect for God, but it wasn't till I really understood His love that I feared His power not out of sheer horror, but out of reverence. As my Creator I can only give Him my respect. Thinking that the truths in life are all relative to my own views is pretty much nonsense if I am going to follow God. He sets the rules and I am in no way allowed to go ahead and change them. I can try but in the end I will fail miserably and loose out on a life of pure fulfillment.

In this day and age our minds are tested when it comes to moral issues. I am noticing this more strongly every day. I fear that without focusing completely upon God and His government we will be deceived by the devil into thinking that what God has designed is really just relative. Our tolerant society has pretty much spelled it out plainly. I believe that once we let our minds mold love and government into one package we will find that following God's instruction is not a cruelty or closed-minded thinking.

Before we turn our hearts away from God ruling our lives,  let us consider that our examples here on earth are defective. The world has an idea of rule and government that is warped and deceitful. Even in Christianity God's government is misrepresented. I know that this topic today isn't really about my feelings or about my struggle, but I want us to focus on what is not of us. It isn't about warm fuzzies. I can say honestly that I found myself, this past week, trying to reason with moral issues. I felt myself wanting to please humanity in the name of love. With this realization it made me even more concerned for those around me.

With this concern comes the drive for me to read and study more of what God has to say about all of this. Again pray for each other.

- Warrior for Christ