Trying to escape the inability to keep my mind steadfast, it is like a baby trying to stand on its feeble legs to walk. I wake up in the middle of the night suddenly, worrying about a list of items. I actually lay there wide eyed marking the issues individually, struck by fear. I cannot fall back to sleep because for some reason those issues are larger than life. Why do I let this consume me then?
There are so many times where God has noticably come through for me. Maybe that isn't even the best way to describe it. The problem is I don't come through for Him. He does not want me to feel guilty about it, He just wants me to do something about it. He asks me to remain still, breathe, and listen for His voice. I have to pick up a new list and realize how much more power it contains.
That list has all of the times and seasons God blessed me. He gave me the courage and ability to become confident again as a woman, not just as a child. He gave me a husband who is forgiving, a follower of Him, a giver, and knows how to lay aside the worry and make me laugh. He provided us with the ability to not only have a home but have the funds to make the purchase. Our home was warm in winter and the summers we had the ability to enjoy a pool to cool down. He helped me with my anger issues and impatience. He sold our home at just the right time even though we had to wait 3 months and provided just the right place to live in return afterwards. The church he provided while here has been a great blessing and I will miss my brothers and sisters in Christ. I love my bible study group comprised of a wide range of woman from differnet walks of life. I woulld not trade what I learned in that group for anything. I will miss them all so much, but know that there will come a day when we will not have to part. God gives me breathe each morning and gives me opportunities to see His beauty and signatures. I cannot continue to remain fearful and despondent.
How does one remain steadfast and keep their faith? Well, first you have to know the One that you are having faith in. You have to know the promises He gives. Even a small piece of faith can take you far. I remember asking God to provide a way for me to stay home so that I could one day be there with my children. I knew that that was something He wanted for me and my future offspring so I asked Him to work it out. I knew He would, though I did not know how He would do it. I prayed for all the avenues that it could be possible and just worked on ways that I could improve so I could potentially stay at home.
For now God has answered my prayer, from what I can see. I say it this way because He might not be done with answering my prayer. He might have something even greater in mind that my heart cannot even describe or discover. I now have the ability to stay home with my future offspring. Chris and I do not expect to live extravagant lives and where is the creativity in that anyways? I intend to live an unexpected life. I intend to live a life that the world does not consider success or what a woman should be. What I do intend to be is a woman of God who is confident in her husband, dutiful and successful in raising a family committed to Him. I intend to invest my home in a great commission and remain out of debt as much as possible. Our home will be a fortress.
So, as you can see I need to be steadfast. I cannot contain the fear that I so often possess. I am human, but I have Someone greater as my Guide and Counselor to help me grow out of my baby legs and walk like a woman of God. My wish is that more and more women see the importance of being a warrior for HIm instead of a worrier. If He can do that for me, He can most certainly do that for you.