Finding the Calm. In the Present.

Do you find it hard to let your mind just rest? I do. During the last few weeks I have felt inspired to find the time to put my spirit into a slower pace and really engulf my life in the present. In all my human efforts, I still find that I uncover a whole new package of worry and stress. 

I have been noticing how the stress of the last few years has really taken a toll on my body. I feel old, ragged, and tired. Ya, I still look 25 when really I am knee deep at 31. I didn't want to see this. I did not want to notice that my hair shows signs of weakness or how the area around my eyes seems all puffy and dark. I have become resentful and angry about how amazing I feel inside, yet my body seems to have taken the brunt of my battle. Before you get all ticked off at me for having a pity party on the internet and want to slap me on the face for having wacky expectations on my outward appearance, hear me out.

I am fully aware of my outrageous thinking. There are countless stories on the webs that talk about women becoming content with their bodies or OK with the fact that they do not fit media's representation. I get all that. I feel that. Like a good girl I do. What actually hit me from one of these many articles and videos, was one woman's story. Actually it wasn't the whole story. It was just one thing she said about how she felt after taking action to really get her body in shape. She was at the peak of health and strength, but STILL felt like her body was not enough. Her heart still had this expectation of what her body should be and she did not attain what she was looking for.

What I have been realizing is that there is always going to be something to stress over if I really want to spend my time there. Here I am at the peak of my mental health and I still find something to stress over. I have no reason to stress, because God has really been giving me the tools to handle hard times. So why get all crazy and decide to stress out about my outward appearance? Why not sit down and just enjoy life despite the imperfections that will ALWAYS present themselves?

So about that rest. Is that really attainable? Can I really come to terms with my body, state of mind, or life in general? Can God really put me in a place of complete solitude and tranquility? Will my mind just let my neck muscles loosen up and my body feel weightless? Despite being in a sinful world, there is a place that we can go to feel what Heaven has to offer. That "perfection" that we have been longing for.



























This week I went for a walk to the park down the street. People were around in the park interacting with one another. There I was avoiding looking at my phone and trying to find a place to sit down and just be there. I overheard conversations that brought up my own personal sore spots. The sounds of the birds brought me back into the moment and I sat down at a picnic bench and just waited. I wasn't sure what I was waiting for other than what God might want to show me.

I sat there and just examined the trees and how the slight breeze gently moved the branches, I felt really there. It actually made me think of my childhood and how living in the moment was all I had. There were no worries to bog my brain or threats to ignite my adrenaline. I became thankful for that time in my life where, despite the terrible things still existing, I was engulfed in what I saw around me and what was created by it in my thoughts.

What I believe God was showing me is that worry and stress will  always just take me away from truly living. If I want to experience the calm that He has provided, I really do need to be here. NOT back there in some regret or panicking at what could happen in the future. He just wants me to LIVE. Forget that I have bags under my eyes. Ignore that the devil is poking at a past weakness. Or walk into a room full of senses versus hypothetical strategies.

So, lets meet in the present together and find out what REALLY is worth living.

God. Family. His Goodness.

Despite the sin and sadness in this life, I have finally come to grips with the idea that God is sooo good. He shines through the darkness with so much power, that even the devil trembles. My mind, for so long, had been deceived into thinking that there was nothing good in this life. All the pain, anger, deceit, and black nights just seemed to be my focus. 

But right now? I am overwhelmed. Down right struck in the chest with how God has ignited this feeling inside of me that loves more, strives more, and ultimately sees the LIGHT. My photography has taken a turn for the extraordinary and what I see around me I cannot remain sad about. Even with the passing of my dear maternal grandmother, I have found the beauty in her death (I will talk more about that in another post). 

For right now I want to speak out about my cousins. I have a few sets and maybe not as many as some might have, but I love each one of them. Here, though, I want to mention the ones I grew up with. The ones that were seriously like siblings. We laughed, played, gained scars, cried tears, fought passionately, dreamed, and grew up together. Over the past few years we all kind of moved our separate ways, though. 

I was the first to take the plunge into adulthood and so I pretty much left the gang without much thought. I look back regretting the years where I could have danced in new experiences with them. How I wish I could have hashed out my mistakes with them and been the better for it. I wonder what it would have been like to be there when hearts were broken, challenges were conquered, or passions were discovered.

This past weekend I felt like I was given a second chance. Not at recovering those years, but of living in our 20s and 30s together as adults with puttering babies and careers. Love is amazing like that. It always comes back around full circle.

This above photos is of Alisha and her baby, Huck. We were all sitting together in the funeral home after the service for our "Grandma D.", when I was struck by this view. I immediate thought of my grandmother and how I knew she would have captured this moment. She was a photographer during our childhood. I felt so connected with her and this moment. But back to Alisha. She is a quiet spirit and very similar to my brother, Bobby. She loves down to earth stuff and living on her farm with Charles. Growing up she followed me around and could always be found smiling and laughing with that little giggle of hers.

When I think about looking like someone, who is not my mother, I think of my cousin Abby. I am almost freaked out just looking at this image of her. I see my mom, aunt, grandmother, and myself. Yet it is still Abby. Growing up she was the little one of the crew (she is 9 years my younger) and I can remember the day she first walked. It was a major event during Thanksgiving one year at Great Grandma Dorn's farm in PA. I found out this weekend we have a similar personality, but to make things different she love all things cow girl/boy. I have no desire to ride a horse, so I will leave that to her.

Now who could resist hanging with a person with this face? Tommy is only a month younger than my brother and they are pretty much more than brothers. If I want a GOOD laugh or to hear about a nostalgic story of our childhood with bouts of laughter, Tommy is the guy to see. He is determined and will do anything he puts his mind to. Sometimes our strong older sibling spirits clashed as kids, but I wouldn't trade him for anyone. He is the real deal and will speak his mind. This picture makes me think of my grandfather and his beard. It is so weird to see it on my kid cousin. He is also the father of two sweet little girls and a husband to an amazing lady, Julie.

As I get older and enjoy my 30s, I become more and more in need of family. It is very different than the safety I felt as a child among my crazy family. More like, we all are so different and yet the same, so it all seems familiar and inviting. It hasn't always been easy for all of us. We have been through a lot and I hope that it only ignites the light inside each of us and brings us all HOME. Yes, God is good.

A Journey: After Falling In The Muck

It is funny how God finally lets you in on His plan for your life. For me, He waits till I am knee deep in commitment and have gotten a scrape or two along the way. I think that if He were to tell me before everything got rolling, what He had in mind, I would most certainly scoff and say "NOPE." For now He is letting me get a peek at His blue prints and I am kind of excited. The journey to be able to even have a glimpse, has been a struggle and a climb, so don't get all jealous on me. Yours is developing as well, trust me.

I was wanting to get out of the muck after falling flat on my face. I wanted to see the potential that life had to offer. I wanted to find out who this Jesus was that I had heard about all my life. In order to see Him more clearly, I had to get rid of the junk in my life. I would ask Him for help and He would painfully yank the fears, worries, and pride that I had been holding onto. But, now amidst the stripping and pulling and poking God is showing me that I can achieve great things for His kingdom. If I just remain close by His side and try to emulate His walk and His talk, I will know what to do.

 This sounds all fluffy and nice, but let me TELL you. The devil will wisp by your ear and whisper words of accusation and negativity till it seeps in and catches you off guard. He will do what it takes to convince you that the life you are trying to lead is imaginary. He will try and convince you that the strengths you possess are NOT going to work. He will make you cry in the wee hours of night. Then leave you to fend for yourself in the dark with your own sinful, human habits. This happens in our state, but the hope? The drive to keep going toward what is more powerful and MORE true? Every single time that I find myself getting caught up in the half truths of life, God is there again pulling me out of the muck. He is there giving me even stronger evidence than before, that His plan for me is determined and destined to happen. He won't let me go. He won't leave me without the tools to keep the darkness away. Each time I am approached by the devil, the easier it gets to tell him to LEAVE. The less I am down and the faster I get up, is how it all has been developing.

So what are the plans that God has for me? It is my little secret for the time being. But what I want to leave with you is that the journey that I am on is one of discipleship. I aim to learn everything I can about this Jesus. I am determined to speak like Him, connect like Him, lead like Him, comfort like Him, share like Him, and LOOK exactly like Him. Why? I want others to see Him. I want others to see how strongly He can turn a falling apart life into a vibrant and purposeful adventure.

This morning I was out walking, thinking about this whole idea, when I got goosebumps. It might have been the David Crowder on Pandora that ignited the bodily response, but I was nonetheless driven. I sometimes fear that that drive will dissipate or be crushed, but like I said earlier, God makes a come back with a stronger force. I feel it more in my bones. I am just excited about this journey and wanted to share it with you. I hope that you, as well, find a journey you were meant to walk.

That Time God Stretched My Heart

Oddly enough, I came up with a title for this post before I even had anything typed up. I was looking at these photos that I took this past weekend while roaming the streets of Philadelphia, when something occurred to me.

I am an introvert by nature. It is quite easy for me to get caught up in my own thoughts instead of letting the external senses take me to other places outside of myself. In some ways this is beneficial when I want to write out a thought that is hard to explain. But it leaves room for improvement in having empathy. I am an idealist and I find it complicated to really understand why others do things differently than me. It comes across as biased, judgmental, and ignorant. 

If I were to explain all the reasons why God moved Chris and I to this area, I think everyone would fall asleep from the eternal list. What has really gotten to my heart, though, is how much God has taken me from only having the courage to step into someone else's life through an autobiography from B&N, to real time. 

How has He done this? Let me explain. 

If I haven't said it already, living in the city has not been one of my goals in life. I grew up thinking that the ultimate destination was THE COUNTRY. Or the woods. Nature at its finest. Being closer to God through taking hikes, sitting on the mountain tops, and walking through the meadows was where my mind always traveled. I never thought that being closer to God would mean stepping outside of myself and into the chaos of the city.

As I look through these pictures, I sense a new feeling inside. I used to live an hour from the city and would take photos of Boston like a visitor. I did not connect with what I saw and mostly saw grime and depression. I did not understand why anyone would want to live in the city. It all seemed chaotic and lacking simplicity. I snubbed my nose at it without realizing. Now I live in the suburbs of Philadelphia where I am submerged in the culture of real city life. I work in the city where once I was afraid to walk alone and now take the mail to the dropbox. I walk center city, taking pictures, without feeling apprehension. As I look at each picture, it is not as a spectator but as a participant. It is not just a picture of a building with a tree, it is me looking up at the building with a budding tree. Does this make sense? I am a part of this city now.

Do not get me wrong, I still find it hard to live without nature at my finger tips. When I feel complete silence at 2 a.m. I soak it in like I am finally quenched. I am still a country girl at heart, but God plopped me down in the middle of the City of Brotherly Love to teach me something. He wanted me to understand that the hearts that live here are no different than mine. They too crave love, acceptance, friendship, and beauty. My home is not just in the country, it is this groaning Earth. Everyone on it is struggling, surviving, making it, fending for themselves, wishing and hoping, and ultimately craving the silence of a satisfied and complete heart. 

What I possess as a Christian is not just for country folk, it is for all humanity. The grace that I have been given is not just for me to understand. Living in the country does not make it any easier to understand God's power or compassion. It does not make it any easier to be closer to God. When we allow God to move us, change us, and ultimately strip us to the bare bone... He reveals the honesty that others have been wanting to see. It reveals the love we have been given and how it is accessible to the human race.

When we are completely vulnerable, in the arms of Christ, others see what we were made for. They see a spark of Heaven and wish for more. When they too find Christ, Heaven will reach within their hearts as well. Heaven will strip them to the bone and expose eternity. This is how God stretches the heart. This is how He stretched mine.

Remember: The Kingdom of God is at hand.

When My Life Is The Testimony

During the week we struggle to stay afloat sometimes. It is during the weekend of spiritual and physical rejuvenation, that I discover tools to get through the next week. I was in conversation with a friend and colleague of mine about our relationships with Christ. I ended up spilling my guts and explaining to her that my struggle is real. Despite wanting to be the best Christian that I can be and attempting to have an amazing relationship with Jesus, I sometimes just do not get it. I flounder in having the desire to talk with Him. Yet I still know that all I need is Him. All I have to do is say, "Help!", and He is there working with the character I am constructing. 

When I shared my feelings about this situation, I felt a sudden rush of vulnerability. I thought, "great I just exposed parts of me I didn't really want to. What will happen next?" I had to counter those thoughts with the realization that I had just helped out my friend. Thankfully she was so kind as to say I was helpful, but what about those times you share your horrors with those who do not seem to be listening?

Our lives are living testimonies of what God is capable of doing. Becoming more like Christ is not just for our benefit. It is not about succeeding and becoming more RIGHT. It is not about being acceptable in someone else's eyes. It is what Christ called the gospel. Our lives, once connected with Jesus, will portray His presence to the world that has no idea. When our lives tell others that we have been changed and that we resemble Him, they will want more.

It is encouraging to talk with one another and explain that we struggle as well. We are not alone. When I bare my soul and the darkness that exists without Christ, I won't feel cocky and proud when someone says to me, "thank you for the encouragement!" or "you have no idea how much you have helped me." All I can really feel is relief and appreciation for what I have been given. We can all make it, I promise. God is just around the corner waiting for you to be used for His purposes. He is just around the bend waiting to move your heart and change you. I know, because He changed me.

Breaking From The Earth: What I Think About Work

The whole idea of work has been really influencing my thinking lately. While I was home for a few months, I discovered that to really live I need to take life by the reigns and structure it myself. With no one else's help. That does not mean that others cannot help along the way with ideas, getting things done, and encouraging us. What it means is that we have to be the ones to push through to the goal on our own. Not until we start pushing, will we really understand what it feels like to own our lives. Keeping in mind that in the end God is the complete owner, of course.

As a women, it is my duty to develop a life completely dedicated to God's purposes. Every waking moment should be spent learning, pushing, fighting, treading, and plowing through the difficulties that we face. There are times I just want to sit and veg out. You know those moments when you just want to turn your brain off after a long cluttered day? Ya, I get that way as well. What I am learning though is that those times should be spent focusing my mind on what I cannot do through out the day.

Some areas that I am learning to pay attention to include:

- noticing when my pulse elevates when I think about something stressful and bringing it down by breathing deep
- concentrating on my time spent talking with God asking for His presence to push me forward
- making it an effort to get up and make the bed when I honestly don't have to
- hydrating my body when I wake so that my body can fully function throughout the day
- eliminating thoughts of "I can't" with "I will"

 Don't get me wrong, there are times I spend two hours watching a  movie instead of practicing mindfulness or reflecting with God. There are days when I just want to lay in bed a little bit longer. I believe it takes small steps to conquer big lifestyle changes, so don't feel that I have taken on something intangible. I only want to bring into focus this need that I have been discovering. It has honestly made me appreciate life at the end of the day when I am purposeful. It has also kept me from getting in an evil funk. That moody position that just can't seem to let go. You know what I mean right?

Living a life that is full is where I want to go and I am finding out that God created me to work. It does not matter if it is in a structured company or in my own home. I was designed to take the plunge into what I feel is the unknown and make something beautiful happen. You see how the plants grow in the spring. Looking at the ground in the winter, you would never imagine that something living would break through the earth. But what happens is breath taking. We see how the dull winter turns into green life and thank God for the strength of a leaf, a tree, or even a simple wild flower. We are blessed by the shade in summer, the rustling of the leaves on a windy day, or the perfume bursting from a lilac. 

Let us not forget that our lives should be like this. God created us to grow. What are you waiting for?

Not The Decorator, Just A Thinker

I had been toying with the idea of finally getting myself to decorate at least ONE room. "Why not?" I asked myself. I come from a family of many women who are steeped in creative endeavors. I grew up with a mother who went through a phase where everything was checker board or sponged. I lived with pins still left in my dresses because my mom just got done making the dress and missed a few. I watched her make everything. I also surrounded myself with extended family who's houses were filled with much time and energy making it a home. I admired my grandmother's picture arrangements as a kid and remember staring at how perfectly placed each frame was. I have cousins who are successful business women in the arts. 

I thought maybe I would be someone like that. A decorator or maybe an awesome wall collage designer. Nope. I am sure that I can do all of these things, but I know that I do not enjoy it the way that they do. It will be the last thing I do in my home, when I know it was their first. I clean more than dream of ribbons and lampshades. It used to make me question my creativity, the fact that I found it draining to think of DIY. Now I am realizing that my life is meant for something else.

Trying to fit expectations that I, only, have created really gets in the way. The other day I realized that I don't need to perfectly decorate a room. I can just leave it bare if I want to. I honestly like just having furniture and a rug in a room. I get overwhelmed by items sitting on the dresser. I am more satisfied by NOTHING being there. A lamp is enough. A few books on a shelf is enough. I like a minimal lifestyle or at least the idea of it.  So how does this fit with the creativity of my life?

My mind is continually working through stuff. I am constantly taking in information that is around me. When I want to relax, I want to see less. I sometimes wish I could just sit in a white walled room and unfold my thoughts. It would be like taking my words that have developed in my heart and painting the room with what I have found, what I have discovered. I don't need the environment to tell me that what exists is beautiful. What I perceive in simplicity ignites power and focus.

In the end the only thing that really is beautiful, is what is within us. It is not the things we have or the things that we make, it is the drive behind those actions that makes life beautiful and satisfying. I am slowly beginning to love that I have a simple home. Taking the time to enjoy the parts of ourselves that sets us apart or might not be expected, is what makes this life creative and ever changing.  What is it that drives you? What is it that makes YOUR house a home?